🔥 Lighting Myself on Fire Was My First Power… Until I Found My True Flame 🔥
I used to think fire was about love.
That lighting myself on fire so others could stay warm was devotion.
That burning bright and strong meant I mattered.
I spent the longest time lighting myself on fire to keep others warm.
The skill set, conviction, devotion, perseverance, and grit it took to be able to light a fire within me was immeasurable.
An incredible element I could cultivate and ignite – a flame that burned bright and strong for so long.
But who was it for?
What was the function?
What was the purpose?
Could it be tamed? Could it be controlled?
Could the fire warm me, or only heat up the room – the external, the other?
I found a misunderstood purpose for my fire.
It was lit in the hope that others would be warmed, feel welcomed, feel loved, supported, nurtured.
So that I could never be forgotten.
And in some ways, it worked.
My fire – my passion, my giving, my presence – it kept people close.
The proximity gave me purpose.
I got good at it.
Being lit. Being needed.
Being everything and more for others.
If they were warmed, I felt fulfilled.
It fuelled my fire.
I wanted to be smothered in oxygen.
To feel the proximity, the closeness of another.
I loved that they let me love them.
That’s why I loved them,
I loved how much they loved my love.
That kind of fire worked. For a while.
It served a purpose.
I would do anything to be needed, to be worthy, to matter.
But eventually, the fire started to burn me.
It started to go out when others didn’t need me that much.
When I couldn’t love them just right or more.
When no matter how much I gave, it still didn’t make me enough.
There was a spark missing.
One I kept looking for externally.
Longing to be worthy.
But it never came.
They couldn’t do that for me.
They tried.
It was never enough.
I started to burn out.
Fuel depleting.
Suffocating.
And from that came the resentment.
That no one could love me the way I loved.
The control — trying to keep them near even when the fire was burning them.
The depression — when the fire felt wild and out of control, then so small it was barely there.
Fire is a hell of an element.
This fire was lit from the fiery pits of hell.
Powerful. But dangerous.
In the wrong hands, or used the wrong way, it wreaks havoc and destruction.
Firebending was once fuelled by rage, pride, domination.
And so was mine.
Even when it looked like love, it came from the shadows – the desire to be enough, to survive.
I thought I was creating harmony and connection.
But really, I was trying not to be forgotten.
The wildfires came from unrestricted, unbound emotion.
From anger. From desperation. From fear.
The fire was trying to stay alive.
Begging for oxygen.
It’s hard to see desperation in a ferocious fire.
But now I can.
Now I see the survival in it.
I wanted to be put out.
I wanted to die.
I didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore.
I buried the fire.
Lived in fear of it ever returning.
I exiled it into the shadows.
I tried to live without it.
Terrified that if I ever lit again, I’d fall back into the old patterns.
But something deep in me knew –
I needed the light.
I needed to burn again.
Not for them.
For me.
I had to rise from the ashes.
Find the spark again.
I was terrified to hurt others.
More terrified to burn myself again.
But I couldn’t live dimmed.
I couldn’t stay cold.
I couldn’t keep the flame buried.
🔥 I needed my fire.
🔥 The spark within that allows for balance and wholeness.
🔥 My true, authentic self in all its glory.
I had to stop lighting myself on fire for others.
I had to rebuild the fireplace within me.
I had to harness my anger.
Move it out of the shadows and into the light.
Learn from it.
Let it guide me.
Use its power to speak truth, set boundaries, take my time.
I had to find my worth from within.
I had to find the true source of fire.
Not destruction.
Not rage.
But breath.
Life.
Light.
Not heat for others, but warmth for me.
Not proving I’m worthy, but knowing I already am.
And now?
A wise sage forged from the same blazes of internal possibility lifted the veil even further.
Now I cultivate the brightly burning embers.
I stoke them with intention.
I move the energy to allow for light that radiates.
I tend to the fire within.
Not out of fear.
But out of devotion.
My power is no longer about being needed.
It’s about being whole.
Grounded in my mission to connect, to empower.
I am a firebender.
Not because I destroy.
But because I know how to burn with wisdom.
Because I alchemize the shadows into light.
The internal possibility has always been immense.
And now it’s mine to hold.
The light that shines within me, shines within you.
🔥
